Review: Tantus Hookah

And if you go chasing rabbits, and you know you’re going to fall
Tell ’em a hookah-smoking caterpillar has given you the call…

Whenever I look at, think about, or use the Tantus Hookah, I instantly have that Jefferson Airplane song stuck in my head… where it remains for hours and hours… long after I’ve finished with the Tantus Hookah… I suppose as far as ear worms go, this song isn’t the worst thing I could get stuck in my head. No… the worst thing I could have stuck in my head is Baby Shark… which I’ve had stuck in my head on more than one occasion… and I know all the words… and they just play on an endless loop inside my head…shudder… Maybe the cure for Baby Shark is masturbating with the Tantus Hookah? A few good thrusts with the Hookah and… Go ask Alice, when she’s ten feet tall…

I am definitely getting strong Alice in Wonderland vibes off this dildo… Okay, I just quickly went to check the Tantus product description for the Hookah and BAM there is an Alice and Wonderland quote right there… so I guess my suspicions about the Hookah are correct… this dildo does seem to be paying homage to Absolem, the hookah smoking caterpillar that Alice meets during her travels in Wonderland. I love a good I TOLD YOU SO moment. The design of the Tantus Hookah is delightfully fun and perfectly whimsical. If there was a Wonderland Sex Toy Boutique, this is exactly the sort of toy I would imagine them selling. The Wonderland Sex Shop no doubt is run by the Mad Hatter’s cousin… the… Horny Eroticist. The Tantus Hookah is a textured silicone dildo that seems to either take the shape of the wise (yet befuddling) caterpillar… or a curling, swirling puff of his hookah smoke… I can’t really decide on which shape it is. Maybe its both? It can be both… why not… this is Wonderland after all!

“I am exactically three inches high…”

“… and it is a very good height indeed!” Okay, I am actually rather disappointed that the Tantus Hookah isn’t exactly (or should I say exactically) three inches high… I would have enjoyed that nod to the caterpillar… the literary nod would have been fantastic. The Tantus Hookah has somewhat larger measurements (although, isn’t that the way in Wonderland… you take a nibble of mushroom and suddenly you are much larger than you really ought to be), with an insertable length of 5.6 inches (total length of around 6 inches) and a diameter of 1.9 inches. The Hookah also features a flared base, making it an excellent choice for anal use or strap-on use! Imagine the Alice in Wonderland role play you can do with the Hookah inserted into a harness!

Okay, I know above I said I wished that the Hookah was only three inches tall… that was me just being a snob and a show off. My vagina and I are actually quite grateful for its current size. The Hookah measures in with a total length of 6 inches and an insertable length of 5.6 inches. Girth-wise the Hookah has a respectable max diameter of 1.9 inches. Its a perfectly chubby-wubby caterpillar. Now, whether you believe them to be puffs of smoke or the segments of a caterpillars body… those three pronounced body bumps are what really sell the Hookah to me. Not only do they give me that perfect feeling of fullness when inserted, but each bump gives that satisfying POP that I get from toys with prominent mushroom shaped heads. But because there are three of these bumps (each one bigger than the next) it is like a parade of prominent mushroom heads… POP… POP… POP! There is no smooth shaft section to this dildo… it is all textured bumps! I think that this will make it a rather polarizing dildo… I feel like you are either going to love it or you are going to hate it… I have a hard time seeing any middle ground with this toy. It wasn’t a dildo I could thrust wildly with, this is more of a take it slow and easy dildo… savor each bump as it slides in and then back out. It also makes an excellent clenching dildo, I just insert it fully, let my vagina take the wheel and use my hands to stimulate my clit or nipples or wherever.

“What a regrettably large head you have…”

“… I would very much like to peg it!” Okay, so the Hatter actually wanted to hat it, but I want to peg it (and make it a little hat). I attempted to use this dildo anally, because it looks like it would make a positively delicious anal dildo… but I couldn’t get past the second swirly (regrettably large) cloud bump. I mean… I guess I could have tried to warm up more… but I am impatient and don’t have time for that (I WANT EVERYTHING AND I WANT IT NOW). But even just taking half the dildo felt amazing… holy cow. Generally, I tend to stick to smoother, straighter, less exciting dildos for butt fun… but something about the Hookah was really calling to me… I could hear it whispering “put me in your ass…” I think its something I am going to try again… but when I have more time to really devote to taking it slow and easy… I really think this could be a winner in the anal department.

Caring for the Tantus Hookah is super easy. Since it is made from Tantus’ super excellent silicone material all you need to do is drop it in some boiling water, throw it in the dishwasher (no soap), run it under the tap, or take a 10% bleach solution to it… silicone dildos are awesome… because there is almost no wrong way to clean it! I thought the swirlies were going to be a pain in the ass to clean, but not as much gunk got caught up in the grooves as I thought. I had to give it a bit of a scrub with my finger, but I did not have to break out the dildo cleaning toothbrush.

TL;DR? “Begin at the beginning…”

“… And go on till you come to the end: then stop.” But if like the white rabbit, you’re in a hurry, I won’t make you jump down the rabbit hole for the important details. I love a good fantasy dildo. But usually fantasy dildos are dragons, unicorns, aliens, or monsters… I am 100% here for a literary fantasy toy. The book nerd in me is squealing… Alice in Wonderland was one of my favorite books in elementary school and it holds a special place in my heart. I can whole-heartedly recommend the Tantus Hookah. I mean… it’s made by Tantus… so what is not to enjoy? Their toys are always top notch in design and quality. The Hookah is definitely for a person who likes a lot of texture and really likes the feeling of fullness. I also am convinced this would be an excellent dildo for anal play… but probably for someone a little more experienced at it… probably not a dildo I would recommend to an anal newbie. Also, if Punk Rock Pink is not your favorite color the Tantus Hookah is also available in a very spiffy Rockabilly Blue (Why the music themed names? Why not Alice in Wonderland themed color names?)… Punk Rock Pink is what is pictured in this review. Its a lovely, vibrant pink, I am a fan.

Ready to pick up a Tantus Hookah of your very own? Well, the good news is that you don’t have to travel through the looking glass to get it, just hop on over to SheVibe and they can hook you right up!